trees in your eyes, stars in your heart

• now playing: Fourever by DAY6
• now reading: On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong
• currently watching: Slam Dunk with my sister. i love them
• what's on my mind: i know i'd sound like an insane kpop stan, but verses, songs or prose that talk about teeth have been on my mind for a long time now

Hi hi. it's been literal ages

I'm well and fully adulting. And in the midst of that, I painfully missed writing again. Considering what sparked my last creative spurt (2020) and how intense it was, I am curious to see how this one will play out. It's definitely different, but I still feel something reminiscent of it.

I'm coming back to dreamwitdth with many goals and hopes scattered in my brain. First of all, this blog may permanently become bilingual from now on. I am terrified and excited to share it with some close friends irl, so hey hi if you're reading. If you're the usual people who are on my access list, hi to you too. I know lots of our shared interests may have shifted (at least regarding intensity. i still adore svt, though! just in a different way i guess?), I think that what most attracted me to this group of people was your views and enthusiasm for the written word, communication and beautifully crafted narrative. I hope you see yourself in any of those! I just think you're great if you still follow me on any of my socials. Thank you. I love knowing about you and your life.

While I still hope to share my fanfiction and writing shenanigans with everyone, I want to use this journal to its fullest, especially since my brain seems to be working ridiculously fast lately. You can also blame this video:

Watch on YouTube

The premise is to basically replace screentime / doomscrolling with more meaningful ideas. He firstly suggests a commonplace book, which I already keep and enjoy very much. I love the rationale behind them so much - how what we consider worth keeping definitely says something about us. I feel very seen in those quotes as well. My plan is to gather some of them around a common theme and comment on them on a journal entry (as you probably guessed, today's theme is childhood and oh boy, do we have some good ones.)

The second idea that he mentions to defeat the urge to pick up your phone is a notebook for contemplation. This one I find the most challenging and interesting. It may be considered something of a crossover between commentary, commonplacing and reviewing things? The basics: as you interact with interesting ideas in media or anywhere else, you abstract them in your little notebook and then try to reflect on them and see what your position is. I love this because I sometimes feel overwhelmed by all the media I consume and would love to have a place to pour my thoughts out without any worries. I can't think of a safer space than this one.

"I could never do that to someone I loved," I said.
"Do what?"
"Childhood."
"Oh, that," she said, nodding. "I get that."

Robin was astonished by every child restlessly bobbing before us, and when we were done, she threw her arms to welcome them in with no consideration for fear. Every single one fo them thrilled her: their beauty, their possibility, their life. Look at you! she is saying. My god, look at you! It's same way she looks at me.

When the hot priest in Fleabag said a Winnie the Pooh quote always got him good this is what he meant. I love him.

This group of quotes is a bit odd, I guess. I've never been one to heavily romanticise and idealise childhood. Not because mine was an unhappy one. I like how the first quote from this group is by Hank, but he admits in a podcast that it is actually something that John wrote and he stole it. And goddamn if that isn't the most John Green thing I have ever read. And I get it: My childhood was good. It was me as a child that was not cheerful enough, a bit too shy, too quiet, too scared.

Being a child is scary. When you teach children, the first few classes must be devoted to helping them feel comfortable in an unfamiliar environment. Children thrive on routine, as do adults. The new room is big and unknown, the adults around you keep shuffling by. The children around you are just as twitchy. It's a lot. And it just keeps repeating — the thrilling, sky-high spikes of happiness and excitement; the devastatingly low rock bottoms of sadness and confusion; the explosions of frustration or anger going beyond what anyone could imagine.

It feels like complete worlds could disappear under a kid's tears. Children are the centre of their own world. Everything that happens to them is the most important event in the universe. It's as beautiful as it is horrifying. Feeling for the first time, experiencing stuff for the first time, genuinely not knowing what's next. Childhood wonder is both about amazement and courage.

I like how Ann Patchett's and Hank's John's quotes acknowledge these fears. I might not ever have children because I wouldn't want to put someone through that, she says. Isn't that an empathetic and responsible take? I can't poke any holes in her argument nor do I see it as something pessimistic. It's just comforting to see how people other than me remember these years as something so heart wrenching. Sometimes I talk about this with my mom: I remember falling asleep crying because my feelings just took over. My mom would say yes, I remember that, too.

Absolutes and superlatives are the common law for children. Forever, never, the best, the worst. That's the common currency. When a child promises forever they mean it so earnestly I don't know what I'd do with such vows now. But that's the part about childhood wonder, in its ideal circumstances, that I do like: when else would you be able to feel so fiercely and so playfully? when else would you explode only to be held by someone who's bigger, who would love you and protect you unconditionally and then let you try again?

please talk to me about things you loved from your childhood, or about those things that are kind of awkward now. everything's welcome

talk to you soon!